Our lives are a line comprised of events. A journey. It’s obviously all we know. We are alive. We live. Our experiences shape the way we think, behave and interact with others. Some experiences change us completely. Mold us into different people. Our individual experiences are capable of bringing out the darkest side in each of us. Capable of bringing out the best in us, and sometimes we don’t learn from life events at all. We are all so unique in our responses, emotions and perceptions.
When something life changing happens to us we can react in phases. Denial, paranoia, anger, hatred.. A vast number of emotional expressions. No one has a definitive answer to how each individual is going to respond to specific events. I don’t have the answer. I don’t have the answer as to why I have responded and reacted to events the way I have in the past. All I have is the future.
In my journey with BDSM and others involved, I have made some decisions that have affected my life in a negative and positive way. I have tried to see the positive in a situation and time in my life that was very dark. I have come to some conclusions and have recently sacrificed things that I thought meant a lot to me. A superficial reckoning, so to speak.
I had begun a journey this year with a mindset focused on success. That’s good. What’s not good is that successful pursuit only made me feel darker. Cruel. Hateful. Not who I wanted to be. I worked hard establishing my goals and felt positive about achieving many of them. Through these achievements, I still felt nothing positive on an internal and personal level. I felt a sense of loss, anger, paranoia and that only made me build walls of emotional steel.
I questioned why I wanted a project so big that made me so unhappy. What was I adding to my life? The stress, the inner emotional turmoil. The constant worry for those that I loved. I have so much, why am I ignoring the happiness that I have in order to pursue something that felt so empty? I not only was making myself unhappy but also those that I loved.
I made a drastic but logical decision, after much stress from these projects. I didn’t want them and I didn’t care. I don’t care. It was the first time I really felt that. The first time I said that. A true sense of not caring about my career. Why did I need to do certain things over the top? Who was I in this industry? I knew then that I needed out of a few certain projects. I was neglecting my own wellbeing and relationships with those that truly mattered.I had once again invested time, energy and a lot of money into things that didn’t matter. My Life mattered. Art mattered. I felt as though those things were slipping away from me the further down the rabbit hole I went. The home I invested in is now back on the market. The Club I invested in, I sold my partnership to someone who wanted it. I was able to safely and happily walk away from things that no longer mattered to me. I made sure there were no hard feelings this time, and I look forward to seeing the success of those projects in the hands of others.
As far as my career in BDSM? I only wish to pursue artistic endeavors of many varieties in film, photography and anything else that may strike me. I now share my equipment in a private commercial space with those who have supported me in this very difficult and liberating emotional journey. Having supportive friends who do not feel threatened by your emotional turmoil, or feel burdened by it, is one of the most important things in a partnership and friendship.
In July of 2014 I endured a traumatic experience that changed my life. I was physically and sexually assaulted. I tried to bury it. I tried to move on. That was wrong. Moving forward is different than moving on. The term “moving on” to me means; getting over it. It happened, now just get on with your life. Moving forward means dealing with the issues that affect you piece by piece.. Step by step
I did things that I shouldn’t by lashing out in anger. Hurt and PTSD can make you do a lot of things you normally wouldn’t.
Recently, I had some life changing experiences. Things that made me value what’s important.
Those past things and people aren’t insignificant, as I learned some very harsh truths and lessons, but they don’t have a place in my life or Mind any longer.
We live briefly. 80-100 years or less in a world that keeps moving. Time moves quickly. I had to ask myself what was important. What mattered to me? What did I want my life to reflect? How did I want to be remembered? I want to be remembered as someone who was thankful, tolerant and loving. I literally have no room in my life or being for anything else. We have to do what makes us happy and fulfilled. We have to Move forward and let go.
I can’t change the past. I can’t change the things that happened to me or the way I responded. I can’t change the way others have responded and still continue to respond. I can only move forward. Success Flourishes in future optimism, not within those who reside in the past
I have chosen a better path. I forgive those that have hurt me. I’m not asking others for forgiveness because that is an internal process. They don’t need to forgive me, I don’t need that. I don’t need them in my life at all. Though it seems they still need me to be their personal scapegoat…
Forgiveness is more powerful than any form of anger or hatred.
Unfortunately, guilty people often reveal their hate and admission through their dishonest self-pitying actions and efforts…
If the Devil existed I’m sure He would want us to feel very sorry for him.
Since this original post (this has been recently edited) I have spent over a year traveling and meeting others who have had similar experiences. I have found others who not only have had the disheartening experience of not having Equal Protection Under The Law, but those who have had their life, their family and private personal information exploited because they too were sexworkers. Fighting for equal protection under the law and Decrimalizing sexwork, not just for the sexworker (which includes but is not limited to: Dominatrices, webcam performers, phone sex operators, Strippers, adult Video performers, Adult producers, etc.) but for anyone who gets any kind of gift or money for any sort of act that is considered in anyway sexual. This even includes Swingers clubs or a private (BDSM, D/s, fetish, kink) parties that simply ask for a small donation to cover costs. All of our rights are under fire and if people actually believe they are not, they are delusional. Please support the Decriminalization of Sex Work.
It’s not ok to be victimized for any reason after an assault. It’s not ok to feel afraid and feel like you have no help. It is never the victims fault. I was told even by other sex workers, that I was too complacent so it was my fault…it’s not. It’s not your fault and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
If you too have been victimized, or blamed for your own assault and have been treated like your story didn’t matter.. It does! If you would like to share your story publicly or privately and/or join others in the fight for equal protection under the law, please share your story with me. @ Sonia@MsSoniaVaughn.com or comment. (all comments are pre-approved due to past hate-mongering and death threats)
Losing My Religion
I wanted to share a definition of Religion that I felt pertinent to this, my first piece: “Something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience:”
Never lose what means the most to you. I share a quote from one of my favorite writers, Rainer Maria Rilke. In “Letters To a Young Poet”, Rilke says some of the most important words any human can hear and internalize:
“There is only one way: Go within. Search for the cause, find the impetus that bids you write. Put it to this test: Does it stretch out its roots in the deepest place of your heart? Can you avow that you would die if you were forbidden to write? Above all, in the most silent hour of your night, ask yourself this: Must I write? Dig deep into yourself for a true answer. And if it should ring its assent, if you can confidently meet this serious question with a simple, “I must,” then build your life upon it. It has become your necessity. Your life, in even the most mundane and least significant hour, must become a sign, a testimony to this urge.”
Writing is the charge he gives in his correspondance with a friend whom seeks his advice as a fellow writer and mentor.
Rilke is clearly saying; the things that drive us to survive as an inspiring force in this universe, should inspire us down to our very core. Writing, singing, art, Music etc.. Whatever your true pure passion may me, would you feel unable to continue on in life if it was taken from you? Though I find creative outlets and love within and for my lifestyle in BDSM, I would not die for it. It is an artistic expression. A branch. Feeling limited to only one artistic expression can truly feel like death to an artist. I’ve felt that.
The most personal elegies I could ever attempt to pen, could never express how I have felt …for far too long.
Part of allowing yourself to grow further than your backyard is letting go. Using internal battles to create what has been dormant…waiting to surface. Artistically.
Letting go of anger that I irresponsibly let mutate into a grotesque hatred, is a complex process.
A process that is new. A process that I embrace.
There’s simply no room for anything in my life other than pure rapture.